Since the ambulance ride...

I thought I would give a quick update as to what we have found out since the ambulance ride!  Let me preface this with the fact that I went back and forth about writing down the details of what has happened.  When I asked myself why, it all came down to pride though.  I believe you show Jesus through the brokenness of your life and sometimes you have to put pride aside.  This is just one of those times.  For His glory, I share where we are with you…  

Two days after we spent the night in the ER, I had a severe panic attack here at our house.  It wasn’t anything that I had ever experienced before.  I had a hot flash and then there was a rush of panic and fear that just swept over me.  The events of the night are kinda blurry but I do know that my amazing husband spoke softly and with such wisdom that he was able to calm me down enough to pray over me and get me to sleep.  That was…until I woke up at 1am to the same thing.  I called Ellen who picked up her phone to a very scared girl on the other end of the line.  We spoke for quite awhile until she was able to get me calm enough to pick up my Bible, go back downstairs to read it, and have Matt pray over me.  The next day I called my cousin pretty much in the exact state who explained that I was okay and that the fear was actually grief.  This was common for what I had been through and I needed to go to a doctor and explain what was going on.  I went to our doctor and Shari (you girls know if you need someone to straighten you out of your mess, she is the gal to see…if you don’t know her she is the sweetest, most loving counselor in town)!  I was literally lying on my husband’s lap when I got to her; I was in such a catatonic state.  There I was diagnosed with PTSD.  Yep, apparently delivering a stillborn baby in a room where you are watching your city literally burn can cause trauma.  And that trauma can lead to post traumatic stress disorder.  Over the course of the past two weeks, Matt and my Fab 5 have given their days to take care of me.  Someone comes to the house to be with me or I go to their house and Mary is on standby day and night for me to call.  I am able to care for the boys and myself, however I am far less likely to panic if someone is with me.  This week I began to stay by myself some and next week I am spending half days with wonderful, Godly women.  

There are stages to grief as you may know and I have hit the stage of realization and depression.  The shock has worn off, the anger has been had and now my heart has realized the magnitude of what has happened.  I have lost two little boys this year, one that I held in my own arms.  It just flooded over me in a way that I was not expecting two months later.

Sunday, I knelt down at the altar to take communion and I had no words.  I was so broken and confused that I just sat.  Laura came and sat with me a few moments later and I collapsed in her arms.  I wept all through worship.  I wept like I have never wept before.  And it continued on after church with loving women surrounding me as I just cried and cried for that precious baby.  I said out loud all the pain that was in my heart and I just wept, that’s all there is to it, I wept and was physically held up by my husband and women surrounding me. It was a healing experience that I greatly needed.

On Monday, we were able to see the thyroid specialist after much speculation that my thyroid may have played a role in losing the boys.  I had developed what was thought to be post-partum thyroiditis after I had Moses.  We were told that wouldn’t affect future pregnancy though and it was pretty common to develop after having a baby.  However, the new doctor confirmed that I had developed an auto-immune thyroid disorder.  And guess what it can cause if not leveled out…chest pain, anxiety, and panic.  I will have it the rest of my life however it is treatable.  We just need to get my thyroid at levels that cause the pain to go away and I will get checked every couple months for it.  So, we are in the process of getting my thyroid leveled out which could take anywhere from 3-6 months and I am seeing Shari as often as I can to work through the PTSD. 

There is also one other side to this story that I would love your prayer in.  If you have never experienced spiritual warfare, you may not know what I am talking about but these past couple weeks there has been a lot in this house.  Memorizing verses, speaking them aloud, praying against the enemy.  It’s a battleground; one in which I intend to conquer and survive!  I know that I am vulnerable right now and all of your prayers in me conquering the enemy and the panic when it comes would be cherished.

This is very humbling for me to share with you girls.  This is not a place that I ever thought I or our family would be.  However, I am a firm believer that the most powerful way to show people Jesus is to let them walk with you through the good and the bad.  Right now, we are in rough waters.  But we know Jesus won’t let us stay here.  He has us here for purpose and we W.A.I.T. upon Him.

“Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”

                                                                                                              Psalm 23:4