A New Year Full of Blessing

I ran into someone at church who hadn’t seen me in a couple years and was teasing me about how she couldn’t believe we hadn’t had another baby by now.  I laughed, had small talk, and walked away sobbing.  I found Joy and wept and wept for what seemed like an hour.  I just sobbed and told her every angry, bitter, and sorrowful emotion that was on my heart.  How I couldn't believe this year had happened and how much I wanted it to be different.  How I couldn't believe my due date was going to be in 4 days and my baby had already gone to be with Jesus.  In one of the most beautiful acts of friendship I have ever encountered, she knelt with me and just wept right alongside me.  No words needed, just a lot of shared tears.

December 20^th.  John Marshall’s due date.  So many emotions flooded my heart that day.  As only the Lord could have planned, my dear, dear friend who I had celebrated with when we both found out we were pregnant in March, delivered her little boy that morning at 4:30am.  The message she sent me that morning was one only someone who truly loves you could have done.  She told me how hard she knew that must have been but that she loved me and would be praying for me.  Really?  On her day of celebration, she knew I was mourning so greatly and she was praying for me.  So many people have asked me how that day made me feel and if I was okay and the thing about it is, I was okay.  It was devastating and the grief was all consuming, but God brought a little boy into the world on that day.  A little boy who I have prayed for and waited to meet and who is beautiful and perfect.  That could only be the hand of the Lord.  Joy emailed me at 2:30am to tell me all that God had laid on her heart as she knew I was deeply sad that day.  Laura text me verses and great words of encouragement.  Our life group rejoiced at a birth and mourned at a loss. It was a day of so many emotions...shock, grief, panic, joy, love.

Christmas came five days later and began with me crying in Matt’s arms at the realization that I was not waking up with a newborn snuggled up to us.  I tried so hard to enjoy the joy of that day, yet it was off and on water works.  My wonderful in-laws hugged me as I left our Christmas celebration early in tears because our sweet little boy wasn’t with us.  My husband snuggled with me and watched Hallmark Christmas movies (which he hates) on the couch that night.

My sisters and I spent days of vacation, shopping, walking on the trail, watching Hallmark and home movies together, and laughing hysterically.  Yet there were also days of lots of tears, panic attacks, and overwhelming emotions. One night, my sisters literally had to pick me up off the floor where I was sobbing, pick out clothes for me, and dress me in them.  Then they put me in the car and took me to dinner.  A dinner where we ran into one of my best friends.  That was confirmation that God wanted me out of the house that night but also just eased my heart to see her...thanks Laura.

One New Year's Eve, a year to the date that Marshall Lucas went to be with the Lord, our new little niece Katie was born.  I walked up the same sidewalk outside the hospital from the same parking spot to a room identical to where John Marshall was born.  I held that beautiful girl in my arms and rejoiced with my wonderful sister-in-law. Her sweet little body moved and squirmed in my arms and Suzie just let me hold her as long as I wanted.  There weren't a lot of words exchanged but she knew and I knew and she just let me sit with sweet little Katie til my heart was content.

Last night, we rang in the New Year with a friend's beautiful wedding.  It was so unique and fun and just so full of the Lord’s presence.  We laughed and rejoiced and danced the night away.  This year has been one of devastation and loss.  Children, a home, Matt’s job…it has been one thing after another.  Yet this morning at 12am, the man that I am so madly in love with, wrapped me in his arms, kissed me, and said, “Here’s to a new year full of blessing.”  We were reminded last night at the blessing that we have in our marriage and the crazy love we have for one another.  This year has been so, so challenging and sad but God has been faithful.  So here's to a new year full of blessing!