Hallmark moments dashed

The holidays are officially upon us.  If you know me, you know that everything about the holidays in my mind is a Hallmark moment.  I had planned for this past weekend to be the first of several perfect weekends during the holidays.  You know the ones...Thanksgiving with all your family drinking wine, laughing, staying up late playing poker and watching holiday movies, watching the first Christmas lights go up on the houses around us, seeing old friends who have come into town, and getting ready to have our first magical holiday in our new little town. (pretty much all you need is Katherine Heigl and Gerald Butler and a 1800s cabin and you have yourself the perfect Christmas movie right there girls) Yet as is the theme of my life this year, nothing went as planned.  Matt ended up with the flu and all my grand ideas of family moments changed when I was flying solo with the boys to all the family events. 
On Sunday, the last day of this wonderful weekend, I stood in service looking at the beautiful Christmas lights on the trees and I just began to cry.  This year has been nothing that I planned.  I was supposed to be 9 months pregnant, John Marshall was going to be here 5 days before Christmas.  He was what I thought was going to make it all better.  The loss of Marshall Lucas would be okay because a baby would come right before Christmas and make it all better.  And now at Christmas time, I have a thyroid disease I didn't know about last year, I have lived through PTSD, we are living with Mama for another six months, I am 20lbs lighter which should feel so awesome yet feels so empty, John Marshall is with Jesus and I can no longer have babies.
For years I had the hardest time with Christmas lights because the last time I saw Jack's biological father was at Christmas.  That all changed when Matt came into our lives at Christmas time.  It has since been a magical holiday for our family with so many memories because of that first Christmas we spent together.  I thought this year would be the best one yet and now again I stood crying at Christmas lights.  I knelt at the altar and I wept with my husband.  I sat in my chair and wept on Mary.  It felt so good to let it all out, to give the Lord those hopes and dreams and beg Him to heal my heart.  To stand next to the man who I said had led me through brokenness on our wedding day and who continues to do so. 
I am so thankful for how I know Jesus this year.  Yet I am so broken and sad over how that came to be.  However, I will not let the enemy take this season from me.  I will go on thankful for the baby who did come on Christmas, the one who can actually make it all better.

^" And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." 

Romans 8:28