Digging Deep

A few short weeks ago, Matt and I were faced with an opportunity...we could get angry and bitter and walk away.  Or we could DIG DEEP and enter into what would be the most difficult time of our lives thus far.  We could surrender to the Lord, throw ourselves down at His feet, tell Him how angry we were, tell Him how our hearts were breaking, cry and throw a fit in front of Him, beg for His mercy and grace, and then be still and wait upon Him.  Let me just tell you girls, that was not what I wanted to do.  I wanted to give up, I wanted to cry everyday for the rest of my days, and I wanted to give in to the enemy.

The kind of man that when his wife wavers, he’s held -Ann Voskamp

Thank the Lord that I have a husband who wouldn't let me to that.  He literally had to pray against the attacks of the enemy day after day, he had to physically hold me up at times because my body was so weak I couldn't bear it, and he had to skip many a night of homework just to hold me as I cried in his arms.  Because he has chosen to be "held" and not waver in his faith, even for a second, because so many of you prayed for us when God led you, and because I am the daughter of a merciful Lord who lets me be REAL when I need to be, God has blessed us in huge ways.  Here is the list from my journal; it has the personal ways that people touched me and also the ways that God moved in miraculous ways.  Let me just say, I have gone back and forth about whether to put this on our blog because it's extremely personal...however, in the end I came to  three conclusions: 1) when God shows off, it's worth sharing and 2) all of these things happened because you prayed and I believe you deserve to see what God does when you pray and 3) God told me to.

 -I called my mama has soon as I had got off the phone with Matt.  If you know my mama, you know that she loves with her whole heart.  She cried with me and comforted me while I made the long drive home to Matt.  She also watched the boys after surgery, cried with me, made me gingerbread and tea (as all good mamas do), and sat with me all afternoon that day.

 

-My cousin went through a miscarriage at 26 weeks about two years ago.  I was so heartbroken over it; I actually had to leave work that night.  She called me within 5 minutes of me sending her an email that I had lost the baby.  She prepared me for the attacks of the enemy that were going to happen and the pain I would go through in that next week emotionally.  She continued to lead me through the weeks ahead.

-I texted Ellen as soon as Matt and I had finished praying the day we found out.  She was at my house within an hour.  Her words of…”This was a pain that I wish you never had to experience” were so comforting as she held me sobbing on her.  We lost our little boys in the same week of their development and had them taken the same way, through d & c.  Since I don’t believe in coincidences, I find it extremely comforting that 18 years ago, the Lord knew she would be walking me through the exact experience with me today. 

-I emailed the 4 closest women to me the day that it happened.  Every single one of them called me that afternoon to talk and pray with me as I cried. 

-Two of our best friends lost their first baby two weeks before us.  Matt and I spent the weeks leading up to finding out our own child had gone, grieving with them, praying with them, and leading them through it.  God prepared our hearts for such a loss before we knew what was about to happen and he completely prepared their hearts to walk through it with us. 

-We are reading through the entire Bible in 2012 with our boys and the night that we found out, Matt read Genesis 29 about Leah having 4 boys.  Leah’s 4^th boy was named Judah which means praise.  We took this as a sign that the Lord wanted us to praise him for the loss of our 4^th boy.

-I have literally read every book I could find for the past couple months about heaven and people who have gone to heaven and come back.  I was fascinated with them.  I know why now.  And when I woke up from surgery Matt told me that he had gone directly into the bathroom when he left me and had it out with God, crying, yelling and praying.  While he was in there he remembered about the father who did that in Heaven is for Real and how his little boy had seen him crying and praying while he was in heaven with Jesus.  He felt as though that same thing was happening to him.

-The morning after we found out, we got an email from someone who said that we had been really heavily laid on their hearts and their whole family had been praying for us during their devotional time the night before around 7pm.  They did not find out until 11pm that night what had happened to us and why God had laid us on their hearts.  

-My sisters sent me the exact flower bouquet I had carried in my wedding, but the sister who ordered them had not been able to attend our wedding...she had no idea I carried them.  I told her it was as if the Lord Himself sent them to me.

-Those same sisters showed up on my doorstep 5 days later..."just to drink coffee and BE together."  And if you remember how I feel about them...they are the people that I can JUST BE with. 

-Wednesday, I was rocking Moses to sleep and he kept laughing.  And he was laughing almost hysterically and I wasn’t tickling him or anything.  And he wasn’t looking at me; he was looking at the window.  I believe that God had sent someone to be with me that day and Moses could see him.

-Our dear friend who has been at the birth of our two youngest boys was at the hospital the day we had to go in for the d & c.  She left labor and delivery to take us to the surgery area of the hospital and stay with us until we were called in.  Our doctor was so worried about Matt during the procedure that he sent her out to check on him and make sure he was okay.  And she was there holding my hand when I woke up crying from surgery.  

-In the waiting room while I was in surgery, a woman came up to Matt and asked him if he wanted to pet her dog named Willow.  But Matt didn’t want to be bothered.  The woman was old and kind and cheerful and talked to Amy (our friend who works at the hospital) instead who was sitting with Matt.  While they were talking she said that Willow had been born on Matt’s birthday.   This was the first of several times Matt heard or saw his birthday that week.  The ways that Matt’s birthday were appearing were so specific it felt like God was going out of His way to tell Matt He was there.

-As soon as Matt saw me after surgery, he read 2 Corinthians 4 to me which he said the Lord had given him while he was in the waiting room.  It is about clay jars that are fragile, pressed on every side by troubles but not crushed.  “Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies….That’s why we never give up.  Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.  For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 
A few days later, Matt went to Old Colorado City to get two clay pots.  I think the specifics of why we needed these should be kept between the Lord and us but let's just say it was very important to have these clay pots and to have two of them. When Matt went in to the store, he searched for a long time and everything seemed too expensive, too big, or too ornate.  Finally he found the perfect one, and then one more.  The pots were marked at $50 each but he asked the man about the price and he came down to $17 each.  Still it was too much to buy both but Matt bought one of them.  Then as he was walking out the man ran out to give him the second pot and said to go ahead and take it.  Matt felt God wanted him to bless the man, so he said “God will bless you for this.  Thank you.”

-My sis-in-law got me the Pioneer Woman cookbook as a gift two days after surgery.  So simple, but so wonderful.  Cooking and baking has been a love of mine since I was a wee little girl in my Grandma's kitchen.  Being in the kitchen again after the hardest week of my life with a brand new cookbook I had been wanting for years, was such a blessing.

-My other sis-in-law let me know day after day that she was praying for me and that God was walking with me.  She also helped comfort Matt while I was in surgery and from what I have heard from our doctor, he desperately needed someone and I am glad she could be that person on the other end of the line.

-We found out about a week after surgery that Matt's aunts on the east coast had been praying the novena, a Catholic prayer that lasts 9 days, for us.  I specifically attribute many of the things that happened to their "unceasing prayers".

-I received text after text the day of the surgery from women who said they were praying for me and loved me.

-After the expense of the surgery, we emailed our children's pastor to tell her we could not go to the Faith Steps Summit, a parenting seminar being held at the church.  Ellen had told us we should go because of some things that we are going through with Jack but that was just not going to be financially possible at that point.  By that weekend, someone provided the way for us to go.  And then when I thanked her...she said, "Dear friends, what else is family for?"  Wow.

-About a week after we found out, our life group deacon emailed me to let me know that the Lord had been laying me very heavily on her heart.  She said He had specifically asked her to pray that “I would know God's presence, would feel cared for, and that I would know He sees you & has not forgotten you.”  She had no idea what had happened.

-We had meals brought to us the week that we found out.  I could barely even get out of bed, physically and emotionally and it was a blessing to have them.  One of my dear friends and mentor brought me my very own chocolate cake.  Each day, I looked forward to that piece of cake and a cup of coffee and that got me from the morning to the afternoon…such a small thing but made such an impact on my heart.  

-A friend came over when Matt had gone back to work and I was recovering to bring me a couple books on miscarriage.  She had been our premarital counselor.  A week later we went out for coffee.  She had lost a baby at the same time and had a d & c.  Again, I just find the Lord’s planning so awesome.  I told her that I never could have imagined when we were going through premarital counseling four years ago and looking forward to our future that this would be in it.  And that she would be walking with me on this journey that she herself had taken.  

-This has to be my favorite…The Lord had told me two weeks before we found out that I was pregnant that I was going to become pregnant and he told me the name of the child.  The night after we found out he was gone, one of my dearest friend, Laura brought over a meal for us.  With that meal she brought over an old Broncos jersey for Jack.  She left and I started opening up the meal.  I picked up the jersey and the back had the name on it.  I went to show Matt and we both just started crying immediately.  It was so clear that the Lord was wrapping His arms around us.  When I text her and told her she said, “I kept forgetting to bring that jersey to you, and I remembered it today.  I felt like today was definitely not the right time to bring it, but felt like God told me to take it anyway.”  Because she let God use her in that way, she took my anger and loss to joy and hope.  There is a part of our family waiting in heaven, a little boy with the name God gave me, and I will get to meet him one day.  I am so thankful she let God use her in that way. 
--Laura came over for coffee yesterday and elaborated on the story of the jersey.  Long story short, she bought it two years ago and ended up being the the wrong player, her son had wanted a different jersey.  She has tried several times over the past two years to return it or get rid of it and every time God stopped her.  As I retold this story to Matt last night, we were in complete awe of the Lord.  She bought that jersey two years ago and God has stopped her from returning it in those two years just so he could have her bring it to our house the day we lost our baby and confirm who he was and his name for us.  There really aren't even words to describe to you how I feel about that.  

We serve an awesome Lord and I pray that you see that through these journal entries we chose to share with you.  The only thing that has gotten me through this is the way that He has so obviously shown up and reminded me that He loves me.  He has given us so many blessings through each of you.  I feel so unconditionally loved by all of you who have prayed for our family.  Your prayers have been heard and they have been answered.  I am also so very thankful for my husband who has led me through this whole process.  He prayed with me and praised God the second he found out.   He praised God in the weeks when I couldn’t.  That man danced with me in the recovery room while I wept on him right after he had read 2 Corinthians 4 to me.  We lost a child together and I just think that changes you as a couple.  It has changed our relationship with the Lord and brings it to a whole new level of trust and reliance that we didn’t have three weeks ago.  We have never been closer with each other and we have never been closer with our Lord.  It's been a journey girls but it is a journey worth DIGGING DEEP for.