Never Once Did We Walk Alone

This last week has been a tough one girls.  I felt as though the emotions hit me in a whole new way.  The shock has worn off and the grief has set in.  The week began with my sweet future MIL holding me as I wept in the women’s bathroom at church.  I know that if you want healing you have to walk through the depths of despair and face them head on with Jesus but oh, it is excruciating.  It is so painful to think about what has happened, to look back over the last year, to see John Marshall’s little face when I close my eyes, he was so beautiful.  Yet as only could be destined by the Lord, so many of you sent me verses or words of encouragement to pull me through the week.  You impressed on my heart that my mourning will become dancing, my anguish will become joy, God has good and exciting plans in our future.

Friday was Marshall Lucas’ due date.  In true Raw to Real fashion, it began with something that was completely unbelievable.  Matt broke up a dog fight at our house and ended up in the emergency room for 2 hours getting his hand bandaged up.  Then, Moses ended up with an ear infection (an ear infection in August!)  As I was practically screaming at my sister on the phone and explaining what a hard day it was for me and how I just needed to grieve, she gently pointed out that maybe God was showing me mercy and providing some distraction.  God proved that to be true when Jonathan came into town that evening and provided some much needed laughter and excitement.  Can you tell by Jack’s response to his arrival that we have missed him a little?

Saturday morning Matt and I arose at 5:30am to make the 45 minute hike up to where Marshall is buried.  It was so surreal.  We had been planning the last few months to go up on his due date to spend a little time together, to talk about where God has taken us on our adventure, to rejoice over the life that He was now bringing us despite the deep loss we had in the beginning of our year.  We were able to do all those things, yet now we were carrying the ashes from the life that He had brought us.  We were making the trek up there to now bury another little boy with his little brother. 

The morning was cloudy and chilly.  As we left, Matt said he thought by the time we got to where we were going the sun would break and it would be beautiful.  As we sat with the remains of our two little boys and shared our pain with the Lord, we prayed for the continuation of our journey without them and the legacy that we are honored to carry on.  In those moments, the sun broke and shone right upon us.  God is SO good.  Walking right beside us, shouting to us that He is there…never once did we ever walk alone.  

During my devotions that same day, the Lord gave me these verses…

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
    and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along.
 He has given me a new song to sing,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
    They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3

Those are our life verses for this season.  I hit my knees when I read them and I beat my fists on the ground and I begged God to hear my cry, to lift me out of the pit of despair and to put my feet on solid ground.

This morning, Alan gave an amazing message at church and spoke on the Psalm 30.  The Lord will turn our mourning into dancing.  Never once will we ever walk alone.  I feel it in the depths of my soul…there is joy coming.  Right now I am holding on for dear life, pressing in to Jesus as much as I can and waiting.  He has heard my cry and He will lift me out of the pit of despair…