Father's Day

Our Father's Day weekends are kind of unique in that Jack's Adoption Day also occurs on that weekend each year.  Matt adopted Jack two days before Father's Day, three years ago.  So on Saturday, they spent the whole day together celebrating and talking about "guy stuff".  They told me that guys don't take pictures so I don't have any for you.  I do know that they spent most of the morning at their favorite spot though...

Yesterday I decided to give Matty V a free day.  I didn't plan any activities except a Father's Day meal and dessert for him with his presents.  And what did the man decide to do?  Spend the whole day working outside with his boys.  They planted grass, watered the lawn, helped me refinish a cabinet I am working on, and rode bikes.  Quite contrary to Mother's Day when he gave me free afternoon and I journaled and read a book. :) 

We had his favorite meal, chicken pot pie and he asked for a Boston cream pie for dessert this year. Every year we make our Daddy a collage of our favorite pictures of him throughout the year in black and white.  We are really hoping to have a wall to fit them on one day as he now as 5 of them!  The boys also write in their book to him which they do on his birthday and Father's Day.  They answer the question "I love my Daddy because..." which is so sweet and so funny to see each year.  For instance, Jack said I love my Daddy because he taught me how to fish, ride my skateboard, and he's the best dad in the world.  Boston on the other hand said, I love my Daddy because then I get to put stickers on this Father's Day page if I tell you I love him.  He did go on to say he loves that he plays with him and watches movies with him.

Happy Father's Day darlin.  We love you dearly and think you are the best Daddy in the world!

Keeping our eyes on Jesus

“And I realized something, as I tried to untangle my sadness and anger and confusion.  I had believed that the miscarriage was an open wound that would only be healed by a healthy pregnancy.  So I’ve been waiting on a pregnancy to move me out of this terrible season of loss.  And I’ve been weighing down a pregnancy that doesn’t even exist yet with truckloads of expectation and pressure.  I realized that I need to close the wound now and that it’s unfair, to me and to an unknown future, to leave it open any longer.”  Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

I said to Ellen about a month after we lost the baby how I just wanted to be pregnant again because that would make it better.  She responded in true Sue Ellen fashion with, “I know your heart well enough to tell you that one life will not replace another.”  I cannot even begin to explain how true those words are.   I wanted to be pregnant again so bad because then it would all just go away.  A baby would be coming again, the pain would go away, and we could move on.  That’s not the way it works though.  When you bury the hard parts of life, they always come back, believe me…they always come back.  It was not until God completely broke me down to the point that I had to let go, that He brought us another baby.   My close friends who had had a miscarriage kept telling me that there would be a moment when God would take it away.  Now that is not to say that I would forget, but I would feel a peace and be able to move on.  I told every single one of them that I didn’t believe that was ever going to happen for me and then I was completely caught off guard when it did.   It was Easter weekend and God just broke me down.  BROKE ME DOWN.  It began at Good Friday Service as I was worshiping beside my dear, dear friend who had lost her baby two weeks before me.  We raised our hands and we worshiped amidst deep, deep pain and loss.  Then the clips from The Passion began.  I could barely even watch them.  I don’t even know how to describe what happened in my heart during the following 9 minutes of that movie but God just broke me.  He also freed from a lot of bondage that I didn’t know was still there. 

The Lord wanted me to go through that, He needed me to go through that.  He needed me to be released.  Once I was…on Easter Sunday we would find out we were pregnant. 

“Nine months ago, the world was so different. I was so different. The concept of pregnancy was so different to me, so innocent. Of course I knew women who had miscarried: my mother, my cousin, my friends. But like anything, when it happens to you it’s like waking up to a conversation you’ve heard before and only now grasp, and you realize entirely anew what they were talking about, what they were trying to find the words to describe.” Shauna Niequist

 I was not at all prepared for how losing a baby would change my life.  I didn’t realize that it wouldn’t go away.  I honestly thought when we miscarried, “okay this hurts like hell, but I am sure in two weeks I will be fine.”  Its 5 months later and the pain has subsided but it has not completely vanished.  I still have every email and text message that was sent to me on the day that we lost the baby and the weeks that followed.  I cannot bare to delete them.  I am going to carry this pain for the rest of my life.  That is the part I wasn’t prepared for.  We are not going to welcome a baby into our home in two months.  He got to go HOME sooner than I expected.  I just don’t know that those words will ever come from my lips without tears in my eyes.

I also wasn’t prepared for the emotion being pregnant again would bring.  We have had 3 ultrasounds in the past couple months and I have not looked at the screen until Matt has seen the heartbeat and told me to look.  I have literally felt a weight taken off of me in the last week since the doctor told us we are now in the safe zone.  I have finally begun to think and dream about a nursery.  Miscarriage took away the innocence of pregnancy to me.  Before, I always assumed we would have a baby in 9 months because that is how it has always happened.   Surely after being a single mother and encountering all the loss that entailed, God will not take a baby away from me.  That is not the way that it works…that is not the way God works.  How can He make us stronger people if we never go through anything hard, excruciatingly hard?  The family verse that hangs in our living room and that we pray over our children every night is, “Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith."  Matt read that to me on our wedding day and we truly believe that is a calling that God has placed on our lives as a family.  It doesn’t say we will run the race til we don’t get what we want and then we will quit.  Because then it would be easy wouldn’t it?  The race isn’t easy, I didn’t sign up for an easy race so I could collect my trophy and go HOME.  I signed up for the hard race, the race that is worth running, the one that you have to run with endurance and keep your eyes on Jesus to finish.  Because we are choosing to run with endurance I now have two more eyes in heaven that I can keep my eyes on. 

Vacation Bible Blast 2012

This year we set sail upon the Dawn Treader to learn that we are EXTRAORDINARY in Him, MIGHTY in Him, and we are CHANGED by Him!!!

Set up Day

Boston and his buddy, Judsen "helping" set up while eating M&Ms and coloring

Jack and his friends putting together dragon gliders for the Preschool Game Room

 My Daring Dragon

Worship was incredible...absolutely incredible!  300 kids with their hands up worshiping to 

The Great I AM!  I got goosebumps every time!

VBB blesses our family every year.  I am so privileged to still be able to lead over the Preschoolers each year and see how God works in each of their hearts as He speaks to them throughout the week.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that. 
Even more so, I LOVE watching how the Lord works in my children's hearts.  It was Boston's first year to be in VBB and he had a blast!  It was hard for him to be away from Jack so long but he eventually settled in with his friends in class.  And Jack looks forward to this all year long...he loved it!  Thank you Vanguard Church for yet again impacting our children's lives and teaching them how incredible their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ is!

Jack's 1st Spiritual Birthday

Yesterday we celebrated Jack's Spiritual Birthday!  What is this you may ask?  It is a celebration of the day that he was baptized by his Daddy!  Of course we began the day with a water celebration because what would a baptism celebration be without water!

Jack requested that we all just spend the day together at home.  He wanted to play outside, ride his bike, watch a movie, and eat dinner and sundaes together.  So that is exactly what we did!  Daddy even got him a card and a new cross... a standard military issue cross (obviously a guy thing.)  

We are so proud of you sweet boy!  What an honor to celebrate what an amazing young man you are and who God is shaping you to be as you follow Him.  I love how when Daddy prayed last night he thanked God for all the ways that He has spoken to our family through you.  Your heart is so open to the Lord and I pray that it always will be.  We love you Jackson!

We aren't in Kansas (or the Springs) anymore...

One week in, we are finding that we really love being out of the city. I had mixed feelings at first, with Sunflower Market not being right down the street, almost all my girlfriends living in the Springs, and the first day we were here I had three appointments in the Springs and had to figure out not driving back and forth every time!  However, these things are outweighing all of that...

 A pond with ducks behind the library.  The library gives you free food for the ducks! 

The boys and some of their buddies at the pond

Jack wanted to go to the Farmer's Market.  We could walk there!  He rode his bike and I walked.  He was amazed when we went shopping afterwards that he could park his bike outside the little shops downtown.

Jack and his kettle corn from the Farmer's Market

The latest in log cabin building.  Apparently it has a restroom inside because little boys have been saying that they have been able to use it.  However, I am a little afraid to ask or enter in.

The lake is 5 minutes away instead of 45 minutes! 

 There is lots of wildlife (and bugs!)

Our favorite mentors, friends, and babysitters The Schwarz Boys are closer than before!

Caleb and Moses


Water Gun Fights have become all the rage!

So gross!  We are going to have to better explain how water gun fights work to Mo.

The ship the boys made to watch the rainstorm.  It was appropriately called The Dawn Treader.  According to Boston, there was also "dawn treasure."

The Adventure Begins...

About a year and a half ago, God started to press on our hearts that He wanted to take us on an adventure.  We weren't really sure what that meant but our hearts began to be very open and excited to whatever He had in store for our family.  The first step in the adventure was to sell our house. The home we bought 2 weeks before we got married, the home that Matt adopted Jack in, the home we welcomed two children in, and where our little family became oh so close in our 1,000 square feet over the past 4 years.  We worked all last summer to fix it up and get it ready to put on the market.  A year later we are here...

Drawers turned row boat during moving week

I needed to add this pic because this is Jack action face for the rowing.

First night in their basement bedroom.  All three boys are ecstatic to be in the same room and side by side!

Moving Day!

Remember those Schwarz boys?  Here they are on moving day, all the boys are eating pizza in the back of the truck.

 We close on the house tomorrow.  So what is the next part of the adventure you may ask?  WE WAIT.  God told us to wait.  Mama generously asked us if we would like to stay with her for a while as we wait on the Lord to tell us where He wants us to go.  We are all now in a 600 square foot space in her basement (which we think will bring us even closer than the 1000 square foot one :) and we are waiting for the Lord to give us direction.  And we honestly do not know what that looks like.  We hope it's a house in the forest for the boys to run and play and dig but it could be on the mission field in Africa, in another state that God calls us to with Matt's job, or on a farm in Texas but whatever it is we know that we get to go together and we know that the Lord will be leading us!

Boston on the trail today.  The little spec way in front is Jack on his bike.  

The Adventure Begins...

Boston's 3rd Birthday

Boston is going to be 3 years old on Friday!  Since we will be packing and moving on Friday, we celebrated a little early. 
He had a Jake and the Neverland Pirates Party on Saturday.  A party which was planned entirely outdoors until the rain began 15 minutes in!   This made Captain Matt's treasure hunt a little harder than anticipated...

It ended up being very loud but great fun!!!  Isn't he handsome in his pirate get-up?  He even had a tattoo with my name on it. :)

We did make it outside for the pinata.

Then back inside for cake and ice cream!

That night he had his annual sleepover with his cousin, Grayson.  I am not gonna lie, it was hard to let him go.  I realized that to have a sleepover meant that he is growing up and can do big boy things now even without Mama.  I knew he was in wonderful hands, they even took him to the zoo!  This picture pretty much emptimizes Boston, he has such a sweet little heart and loves all of God's little creations.

Today we had our family celebration!!!

Boston's birthday breakfast request: pancakes

the park in the morning

 At lunch we had our tailgate birthday party with Grammy and Andma to watch the Thunderbirds!  After last year, we decided to make it an annual event!

Birthday Party!!!

Grammy's Birthday Present...this picture of us makes me so happy!

Matt put the little guys in the back of the suburban.  He called it the Texas Pack n Play...ahh, a man after my own heart.

This was Boston right after he saw the jets for the first time!  He was so excited!!!

Dancing in the kitchen

Activity of his choice for the night: Play-Doh with Daddy

One more birthday cupcake for our big 3 year old!

I love you dearly Boston boy!  You fill your nickname of The Boss perfectly but surprisingly on the other side of your strong will and stubbornness you have the sweetest spirit which is why the nickname we use most often use for you is Little Bird. 
You love to try to catch birds in the backyard by walking very slowly and bending down quietly to their level, you sneak into my room almost every morning about 4am "to snuggle", you began praying for baby sister months ago all on your own (we shall see about that one), you take care of Moses with such love and compassion, and you follow Jack around playing cowboys with such delight.  Tonight as Daddy prayed over your life and talked about the miracle of how you came to be, you leaned down, with your new little birthday bird that we got you in hand, and whispered that you wanted me to hold you in my lap.  I shall never grow tired of hearing those words sweet little bird.  We love you so much and pray God blesses you greatly in your 4th year of life!

Moving Fun Begins...

The rocket that Daddy built for the boys out of our moving boxes!

Moses pulled out all the spaghetti noodles and proceeded to play with them for half an hour.  But...how do you get upset with that face?

Mother's Day and an Announcement

Matty V did an amazing job this year for Mother's Day.  It was so wonderful and relaxing.  He got me a new kind of Blue Bell on Friday night (which I have been wanting for about 6 weeks but don't want to pay $7 for since no one has it for sale anymore)!  It was Coconut Fudge and delicious!  He and the boys made me breakfast in bed on Saturday.  I got to read my Bible and book and eat french toast in bed...perfect morning!
Yesterday, he was drumming so I headed to church with the boys.  They were so sweet and precious all morning telling me "Happy Mother's Day" and loving on me.  The sermon spoke right to my heart.  Hebrews 12:2 is our family verse, it's on a large piece of barnwood in our living room and we pray it over our boys every night.  I was so excited to hear a sermon on Hebrews 12 and from one of my favorite ladies! In the afternoon, I got some time to journal and read while everyone else took a long nap.  Then we had Chipotle, my favorite.  Here are my presents from the boys, they are quite the artists.

Happy Mother's Day to all you lovely mamas!

As for the announcement, which is perfect for my Mother's Day post.................

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For those of you who haven't guessed by my growing butt and belly, we are pregnant!  We had our second ultrasound this morning so Matty V gave me permission to officially announce the news! As you can imagine, there have been a lot of emotions for each of us through this pregnancy but we are confident the Lord is walking beside us and that His hand is protecting our little one.  This morning was a huge blessing for both of us to see the baby's heartbeat and see how much it had grown from a couple weeks ago.
Thank you so much for all of you who have prayed for us during this season.  I will share more about what God is doing in our lives through this miracle and how we are healing in the weeks to come.  Let me just tell you this though...God and His timing is absolutely impeccable!  Thank you for journeying with us.

a couple books worth reading

On my Mother's Day (more to come on that later), Matty V gave me some alone time to journal, write a thank you card for the amazing sermon I heard this morning, finish a book I have been glued to for a week and of course, do a little blog post!  I just finished this book...

I got it at Mardel on the clearance rack months ago for like a dollar!  Which is a steal because its been recommended to me several times over the course of the past couple years.  God has such perfect timing though.  I finally picked it up and then I couldn't put it down!  It met me right where I am at about the miscarriage and a couple other things I have been struggling with lately.  I marked at least a dozen pages that I want to write down quotes from.
Here's my favorite quote:
"I don't always change my clothes just because I'm leaving the house. I wear yoga pants 99 percent of the time, and I pretend that other people don't notice that I'm wearing my pajamas in public.”
                                                                                             ― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet
Why do I love this quote...about 2 months ago a mom came up to me at Jack's school and introduced herself because Jack and her daughter are "bff" this year in class.  I was in my regular weekday attire, yoga pants and sweatshirt.  I left and immediately text Laura to ask her if not getting invited to a play date by someone could be a direct result of the fact that I am in yoga pants and a sweatshirt everyday of the week and particularly this day when I finally met this mom.  After she finished laughing hysterically, she assured me that it could not and that meeting the mom of a child that your son is friends with does not always lead to a play date, usually they just want to meet you.  Sidenote: I am in yoga pants and a sweatshirt every second Thursday morning of the month when Laura and I meet for coffee.  I apologize every time and she assures me that she wishes she were in the same thing.  Although she looks more adorable in her cute hats, jeans, and pigtails!   This book inspired me to be who God has created me to be and be proud of that (yoga pants and all), which by the way is a constant theme and lesson in my life right now.  God just seems to be shouting it over and over at me and this book was no exception.

These two books are changing the lives of our family, marriage, and our life group.

 Matt and I got the book because our dear friends told us that it spoke greatly to them and was a way to connect in their marriage and in the word together each day.  It has done the same for us.  We each read it every morning.  We pass it back and forth in spots we know one another will see it and in that way, encourage each other to have our devotional time each day.  I read the children's one to the boys at breakfast or lunch time and then the whole family is reading the same devotion which is pretty cool!
The women in our life group have also begun reading it each day.  We encourage each other throughout our weeks when we are struggling through the passages we have read together.  Three of us were discussing one of the passages this morning at church and how it related to each of our weeks and encouraged our hearts.  One of the girls said how incredible it was that each day just hit you exactly where you are at.  And that is the truth, it absolutely does.  It's as if the Lord is directly speaking to my soul each day.  Get it, you won't regret it!